1:21
today's [Music]
1:27
episode welcome to a round and around the OCD Circle
podcast in today's
1:33
episode I speak with Matthew Zipcar who was diagnosed with
obsessive compulsive
1:38
disorder at the age of 15 Matt says that it all started
with perfectionism at
1:44
school he told me that telling his story today was like a
session of Erp and he
1:50
was appreciative of the chance to share his journey with
each of you hello Matt
1:56
hey how you doing fine can I call you Matt is that all
right yeah yeah yeah that's all good yeah okay good so uh why
2:04
don't you tell us a little bit about you know like where
you were raised where you are
2:10
now loated sure so my name is Matthew um I'm
2:15
29 years old I was born in born and raised in New Jersey um
I currently
2:20
reside in New Jersey um yeah and I could I could go into a
2:26
little bit about myself you know yeah so yeah yeah so we're
here to talk
2:33
about OCD so you can start wherever you'd like or from the
2:39
beginning yeah so so a little bit about myself and my OCD
was like I really started with
2:50
perfectionism and that like really happened around like age
I want to say 14 was when it really came about at
2:57
least from what I remember and um a lot of it came about
with like
3:02
schoolwork um just feeling like I needed
3:07
to have a perfect understanding um of whatever I read
3:13
whatever I studied so I would just when it came to like
novels and stuff for
3:19
school I would have to reread passages and until it felt
right till I felt like
3:25
I like fully understood it which would um
3:31
I remember I I read this book for school it was it was like
based off
3:37
hoshima so I read that book and um took me forever to get
through it but
3:43
sometimes it would take me like 15 minutes to get through
two pages of that novel because I would have to reread
3:51
and kind of um until it felt right and at that age I
3:57
didn't really know why I was doing it because it was like I
was first you know learning about OCD
4:02
and everything I wasn't even like I was really diagnosed at
15 though okay
4:10
yeah um I mean I want to say from
4:16
there a lot of that perfectionism like it took on different
4:22
forms like from perfectionism it went onto like cleaning so
I have I felt like I had to
4:31
clean my hands cuz I had a fear of spreading like germs
bodily fluid blood
4:38
I just you know I felt like I had to clean it like and rean
it until it
4:45
felt right um so I'd say a lot of times I would just clean
it
4:52
to the point where I just like my hands would be so dry and
just chapped like so
4:58
the winters were just terrible cuz my hands would get
cracked and it
5:03
kind of kept the psycho going cuz my hands would sometimes
bleed it would be would it would be that
5:09
awful uh because of you know my fears
5:16
uh it's just interesting because it's it jumped from like
it wasn't as drastic
5:22
but it like took on different forms like and uh I'd say
from there
5:31
like it kind of like took on like driving so for a while I
was driving um you know just
5:39
like like I would drive but I would have these fears going
on in the back of my
5:44
mind like and they were there were just unwanted thoughts I
just couldn't help
5:50
it but I would think what if I just you
5:56
know what if I caused an accident you know what if
6:03
um what if I did something that just like brought on an
accident like I caught someone off guard like that was
6:09
walking on the street if I caught another driver off guard
and uh I would
6:16
literally Circle back and I would have to revisit that same
6:21
location and make sure that everything was good that like
no one was hurt and
6:26
it kept going and going until I kind of until I thought I
felt some
6:33
relief but you know it just keeps the cycle going once you
feed it you
6:41
know that's um I really think from there I mean I've
6:48
always had like that part of me with harm OCD where it's
6:54
been kind of it's difficult to um
7:01
it's difficult to kind of wrap my head around because it's
like it's totally against you know just my morals as a
7:09
person you know and I feel like OCD attacks you know that
kind of stuff like
7:15
it like it like feeds on you know what you value most like
just other people
7:23
and connection with other people and it'll it'll try to
take what it can from you
7:31
um that's the difference between being crazy and having OCD
you know that this
7:36
isn't logical that you that you would never hurt anyone
intentionally or you know
7:43
that you're a careful driver yes exactly that's how you
7:48
know yeah so it was um it was I had a lot
7:56
of it was it was really like tough a lot of years like
8:02
unfortunately it got so bad that I just stopped driving I
was like I can't like
8:08
these thoughts are just so like they're taking over and I
just
8:13
can't deal with it so for a while I just I gave up driving
and that was my way
8:21
of I just kind of gave into the OCD and
8:27
um which had the time I felt like was my only option how
old were time how old
8:33
were you when you stopped driving for a while I want to say
that was while I was
8:39
in while I was in while I was in college well I took a
8:47
break from college I think I was around
8:52
20 want say around like 23 because I uh
8:58
came in and out of college you know I had to take a break
from college well that's veryy inconvenient how did you get around did you take
a bus or walk or
9:05
what did you do I mean to be honest I had to rely a lot on
my family to take me places and
9:13
I'd say it kind of felt like I don't know it was a little
like embarrassing you know
9:20
because it's like it's like I relied so much on driving um
it was a big part of
9:26
how I got around everywhere and so I would you know just
rely on them
9:33
actually when I when I return back to school it's funny
because I actually I
9:40
still relied on them to kind of take me to uh some classes
like I started off
9:45
slow and I still relied on them to kind of bring me uh
there and back uh because
9:53
I was uh commute commuting well they were helping me
commute so how did your family react to
10:00
all this uh they were so they were very they
10:06
were very supportive of my OCD I would just say they didn't
like
10:12
they had trouble like understanding a lot of it because you
know like one of
10:19
the common things that they've like told me in the past was
like you know you
10:24
know just just don't just don't worry about it you know
nothing nothing bad like nothing bad will will happen they
10:32
kind of uh they kind of re reassured me like that it was
okay and
10:41
um I mean I I I can't I can't blame him I think that's like
a natural thing we
10:46
all want to like if someone's struggling you want to
reassure reassure them that everything's
10:51
okay um I just think they didn't know that it was making
things
10:58
worse but obviously they okay yeah yeah yeah
11:03
yeah that's definitely that's definitely true so um but
they were very supportive
11:10
um I mean they tried the best to under understand what I'm
going through
11:16
and just listen to like you know try to listen to like what
I had to say and
11:22
kind of like let me speak my my mind so what led up to you
being diagnosed at 15
11:29
did they suggest for you to go see a doctor
11:34
or um so actually like the the school system that I was in
I had like a case
11:40
manager that I think she was in contact with my mom and
they like they like they
11:47
knew that I was like cuz I was like really anxious like I
was in a lot of
11:53
distress and I I I feel like the casew worker
11:59
knew something was up and they kind of knew it was OCD
based off a lot of the stuff that I was doing which I like I
12:06
don't know I was kind of shocked but like just that there
would be that
12:12
General understanding you know cuz me and myself I didn't
even know it was
12:18
really going on at that age but uh yeah they
12:23
um yeah that's how I kind of like went to a psychiatrist
and I was thousands
12:31
correct um Yes Yes somewhere around there
12:38
yeah well that's great she was doing her job and that means
she was knowledgeable and that's good to know that there was
12:43
someone in the school there that knew what was going on you
don't always have that luxury in a school
12:49
system exact exactly exactly um I feel like a lot of times
we
12:55
uh I feel like that's one of the things with school systems
that kind of like
13:02
uh just mental health is something that we don't that's not
always
13:08
like not always given attention to if you know like there's
not a lot
13:15
of awareness about it and I'm sure like a lot of people
care about it you know I
13:21
mean mental Wellness is important but uh it's kind of hard
uh for people to wrap
13:27
your heads head head around it you know that's right and
I'm a former teacher
13:33
and I'll tell you it's even worse than the private schools
because they don't want to rock the boat they don't want to
13:38
say anything that's going to get you to take your child out
of their school and get special help because they need that
13:44
tuition oh yeah yeah they just put up they just put up with
anything and and
13:51
and put Band-Aids on problems instead of um letting parents
know sometimes I'm
13:57
not say all private schools but the ones that I taught in
tuition was the big deal you didn't Rock the
14:05
Boat yeah it's really it's really unfortunate but that's
like that's how
14:10
it is sometimes so what did they do for you at 15 so like
uh when I went to a
14:18
psychiatrist um I I recall being started off I think
14:24
it was on like a small dose of Zoloft um some
14:30
medication uh they started me off on zolof um I
14:37
remember I remember while taking the zolof well actually
from the perspective of my parents they
14:45
thought that it was making me very like nonchalant like
almost like I wasn't
14:50
like I was kind of like carefree and stuff like that but
14:55
um I don't and I don't really recall if it made me feel
much better but
15:02
um it was just something that I was trying to I was just
trying you know to
15:08
see if it would help a little bit um so I I just took the
medication
15:16
and uh I recall going into therapy which I such a young age
15:23
it's like it's like how do you like how do you even like
process that like I I
15:31
went into therapy uh I remember I had a therapist that we
would that actually had OCD so it was
15:38
really actually like interesting to actually like went
through that like
15:44
that I felt like I could kind of like you know relate with
and um I just remember s sitting in therapy and a lot
15:50
of times it was like kind of like that talking part just
like talking through
15:55
what I was going through and I remember playing board games
and it's like it just felt like
16:02
um I mean it felt it felt cool it felt having that like
connection because you know how um OCD can definitely make you
16:11
feel like very like withdrawn from like just like Society
in
16:17
itself and it could be very like isolating so I mean I felt
like it was
16:24
pretty cool but um it helped for a a little bit but it
16:30
wasn't I didn't really feel like it's what I needed in
terms of uh help you
16:39
know so then what happened um
16:46
so from that point um I remember as I as
16:51
I Pro as I progressed through high school I mean things
16:57
just I mean things just got worse and worse um
unfortunately
17:03
um I just struggled to make it to school on time like a lot
of times I would come into school it would be like an hour
17:09
late maybe like an hour and a half late um because you've
been washing your hands oh oh yeah yeah I I would be like
17:17
washing my hands um a lot of times it would be with the
with showering too I
17:22
would just be like in a show shower just scrubbing my body
um it would be
17:30
um on top of that I had some like I had a little bit of
that
17:36
perfectionism too that was I was still kind of holding on
to so my clothes had to like fit a certain way and I would
17:43
have to like like when putting them on I would have to kind
of like put it on take it off put it on take it off um I
17:50
didn't even like like it was I don't really at that time I
didn't
17:58
really understand the fear behind that in itself the
perfectionism aspect with the clothes
18:06
but um thinking a certain way but it just
18:11
kind of you know start to spiral and take up too much of
18:19
my mental mental capacity like I felt like I could barely
function and get
18:26
through school without a lot of extra support a lot of uh
extensions
18:33
on work that I had to complete like I had like a plan set
in place where like
18:40
um guess kind of like ISP or I'm not sure what you would
what you would consider it not ISP but I just had stuff
18:49
in place where it kind of catered to a lot of what I was
dealing with with
18:55
extra extensions for work did it affect your
19:01
friendships oh yeah yeah um well I would say it did affect
my
19:08
friendships very very much so and even my ability to make I
mean just
19:15
making friendships was hard because um I was just so in my
head constantly and so
19:22
anxious that I mean for a while I didn't
19:27
even like like put a priority on um just meeting and making
relationships with
19:34
other people I felt like a piece of me wanted that
19:40
but just with how much I was suffering and the stuff that I
was going through um it was just always kind of
19:50
secondary for the longest for the longest uh time
19:59
so we are now at what age we're High School um yeah so so
like high school um
20:06
at the I mean at the very tail end of high
20:11
school was when I when I decided to
20:17
really seek out intensive treatment and by intensive
treatment I
20:23
meant like like going out of state kind of like
20:29
to unfamiliar territory like uh going like
20:35
impatient impatient facilities trying to seek out help um I
visited
20:43
mlan so I went to mlan hospital
20:49
um at the very actually was at the very tail end of high
school I didn't even go
20:54
to my graduation I was in mlan hospital um trying
21:03
to trying to get better trying to implement all the therapy
that they were
21:10
trying to teach me and just just fighting all
21:16
the all the fears that I had you know did it help you being
21:24
hospitalized it it definitely it definitely helped me like
I would say mlan
21:31
was a very huge part of how I got of how I got
21:39
better um the PE like the people there are just
21:45
like amazing for any everyone from the clinicians to the to
the staff that like
21:54
would help with therapy it was it was honestly very
22:01
uh it was a great experience but it was also very
22:06
like difficult like I'm not going to say like oh it was
such a lovely experience I was there you know like yeah yeah yeah
22:13
like yeah I was you know going through like it felt like I
was going through
22:20
hell but at the same time with that support supportive cast
it felt very
22:28
comforting just having someone to lean on and um how long
were you there
22:34
for I was there for I would say like two months okay yeah I
was there
22:43
for two months um and I was working on
22:49
uh I was working on exposure response prevention so like
Erp I was gonna say I
22:56
figured that was part of it yeah yeah it was a it was a
huge it was a
23:03
huge part of like just my everyday um like every day on the
23:09
schedule there was like exposure response prevention Erp
for like a set
23:15
amount of hours and uh well that's
23:21
intense yeah um it definitely was intense and also setting
up the
23:28
treatment plan cuz you know obviously there was a lot of
stuff to tackle so I had like
23:39
different had different things to work on so and there was
a lot of adjusting like and figuring out like what would
23:47
um what would trigger my anxiety like the most in you know
just
23:55
sitting with that anxiety and yeah Erp is definitely a
interesting
24:03
uh therapy that a lot of people aren't um I mean even some
people with OCD they
24:10
aren't aware of it like they don't know it exists and a lot
of people the general public do not um that's true
24:18
yeah do not know much about it but it really benefited me a
lot yeah I was
24:25
going to say I see a lot on the boards people talking about
it and they'll say I I want to do it but I'm just too
24:33
afraid and what you're saying is it was worth everything it
it it was literally worth
24:40
everything and a lot of those like people that post that
like that was me that was me a while back like I had the
24:47
exact same like fears there were times that I like that I
literally had to uh
24:54
the stimes where I literally had to be like like I would be
doing an Europe and I
25:00
just had to walk away I'm just like uh just too much I had
to like regroup I
25:05
had to like give myself uh give myself a little like break
and I
25:13
had to tackle it again like uh for people that don't know
what it is can you give an example of an exercise that
25:20
you would have done um yeah totally um
25:27
so I just just want to say like like probably one example
like well Erp I
25:33
mean like basically is just you know exposing yourself
25:40
to the feared the feared anxiety that you have like the
feared Obsession so
25:47
like I remember with me I I tackled a lot of my driving you
25:54
know fears and fears of like unwanted fears like that I
could hurt someone
26:01
so with um with Erp they would just have me you know drive
around and
26:10
um the big piece of the therapy was just not engaging in my
rituals
26:18
or not not trying to relieve that anxiety that I was
feeling you know cuz
26:24
that what OCD is we want to do the rituals we want to
relieve that anxiety so they they wanted me to stick with
26:31
that anxiety without doing the ritual so right my anxiety
would would go through
26:37
the roof I'd be like sitting there like you know I'm like
oh my God like yeah part
26:45
it's it's the scary part like like literally when your
anxiety that's high when it's that high you like feel like
26:52
it's do or die like it's like that's how I can feel when
anxiety is so bad but
26:58
but I found and you know they taught me that after a while
you know the anxiety would
27:05
come down and sometimes it would take like a long
27:11
time before it came down but it did come down to something
where I could manage
27:20
it like kind of be able to manage it get I got through the
exposure so then next
27:27
time we you know would do the kind of like similar exposure
like same kind of
27:33
process my anxiety would go up up up but then like I
27:39
felt that it didn't kind of like Peak as high as it did
like the first time it
27:46
would still be like high so I would just kind of sit with
it sit with it sit with it then you know it come down like it
27:52
did the first time just like every time I kept doing that
exposure like eventually it got to the
27:59
point where I was feeling a very small amount of
28:07
anxiety and it was it was literally like the best feeling
like you know when you can
28:14
tackle something and just get through it and it doesn't
28:20
literally affect you as much as it did it kind of like
you're it's like you're regaining your life back and essentially
28:28
mhm um from these fears um but it's very very very hard
work but it's it's
28:35
something that like I don't regret like ever doing
28:40
Europe I don't that's
28:47
awesome so where are you today in your life as far as your
OCD
28:53
and so today um
28:58
I will be I will be completely honest here like um
29:04
I I do still struggle with OCD um I feel like it will
29:11
always be a part of me I mean I mean there's no cure for
OCD I mean that's what a lot
29:18
of people like need to understand like that are that don't
have OCD there's no like cure like but
29:26
um so it's still affects me but it doesn't it kind of like
it's kind of
29:34
like a wave you know it's kind of like like how it affected
me back then
29:39
it was like really really bad and then I had I had a period
where I was doing
29:45
really really good I was literally taking a small dose of
or just one dose of Prozac
29:53
you know and um I was able to
29:58
just get through my day I was able to you know I didn't
have all those fears like
30:05
attached to me uh I felt like a weight was lifted off me
today
30:11
um I will admit I do struggle um I do find that some of the
thoughts are kind
30:17
of like trying to creep its way back in some of the fears
and a lot of it is
30:24
based off the fact that I'm truly trying to
30:29
be a vulnerable and by vulnerable I mean like
30:35
seek out like a lot of social connections with people seek
out um more so than I ever
30:43
previously did so seeking out more social connections um
just um really putting myself out
30:54
there which I did find ocds trying to be a little bit
sneaky and trying to be like okay we can work with that so like
31:01
it's like it's good that you're doing that but it's like
it'll always have that like kind of like I have that fear
31:08
that's running in the in the background like you know
31:14
um these like fears especially even just sharing my story
today is just uh it's
31:21
like one big huge Erp for me it's like essentially is one
big huge Erp because
31:29
it's it's something I want to do so bad and you know I want
to help a lot of people but there's that fear behind it
31:36
that's like and you're doing great yeah I I app I appre I
appreciate that but
31:43
it's that fear that's like behind it that's
31:48
like I mean I kind of make fun of it sometimes but it's
like that fear in the back of my head that's like oh man
31:54
you're sharing your story you know I think people are going
to start to leave your life they're going to discover you
32:00
know all your fears all your you know everything that's
going on they're going to be like yeah like they're just not
32:07
going to want to be in your life anymore it's like it's
it's extremely frustrating to
32:15
to have to deal with that like uncertainty
32:22
but I mean just like with Erp I mean just
32:28
I just have to push through the uncertainty I can't be like
I'm not going to like reassure myself oh you
32:33
know yeah everything's going to be okay you know I mean it
would be nice to but
32:39
just sitting with that uncertainty like oh yeah I mean is
something you don't
32:44
share with others much um for for a while I did not for a
32:50
while I did not um I did to various degrees with some
32:56
people like family know about it um Family know about it
some my friends
33:02
do to an extent but um but it's just really just sitting
33:07
with that uncertainty like okay people people
33:13
may want to leave my life and you know I mean it's just
like you know okay
33:18
okay thought all right it's 2024 like yeah yeah you
33:25
know yeah yeah and it's all it's all it's all fear it's all
fear-based
33:32
OCD so and that's part of what I'm doing this podcast for
is people who don't
33:38
have OCD I'm hoping if they listen they'll understand it a
little bit more you know what we go through and
33:47
yeah I I asked this of every one of my guests Matt how do
you feel when people
33:52
in general say oh I'm so OCD today about this um
33:59
you know how does that make you feel does it bother you or
is it okay is
34:06
it just you just let it go I have so many mixed opinions
about
34:11
this so a part of me it does bother me a part of me it
34:17
really does bother me because like there's so much like
even
34:24
in the media there's so much like I feel like OCD is just
like seen
34:29
as a quirk like oh it's like it's like this little cute
thing it's like oh you want
34:35
to fix these things be perfect and like all that stuff but
um I don't know I
34:40
just feel like OCD is kind of like uh the real nitty-gritty
and the severe
34:46
OCD it doesn't really get the attention and the light that
it
34:53
deserves um it's so I mean it's a little frustrating cuz
it's like it's like you
34:59
hear someone say that meanwhile you're going through OCD or
like you have severe or you know what it's like to be
35:06
severely compromised by this disorder and it's like well I
mean I don't think you I don't
35:14
think you have it but I mean but um but
35:20
also I I come at it from also the other side of things it's
like a lot of it is just
35:29
not not having that knowledge behind it it's just like just
kind of like a lot
35:36
of society just doesn't know what OCD is really that's why
I need to what yeah
35:41
it's what it's really about that's why education is so
important uh so
35:46
important and I feel like this podcast is like a perfect
platform for like
35:55
just just educating people it's it's very important and I
wish there was I
36:02
mean I've seen quite a bit of OCD podcasts and quite a bit
of OCD content
36:08
on YouTube and stuff like that I just feel like
36:14
the we've made so much progress in OCD like from i' say
from like the
36:21
90s like and when I look back at it I'm like I mean and I
was just like a little kid but when I look back at like the uh
36:30
look back and I read some of the stuff and some of the
research that was done and
36:36
how how things have changed so much and I don't know it's
it's honestly awesome
36:44
awesome to see that a lot of people are willing to share
their story and just
36:50
you know having podcasts like these are massively important
really really it is
36:58
yeah I I wasn't diagnosed till I was over
37:04
35 almost 40 I lived for that long before anyone could
actually tell me
37:10
what I had so I'm glad that they found do you
37:16
did you notice any symptoms before the age of 14 Matt or
did your family are this just just this started right it
37:23
just started at 14 or uh uh so
37:28
so so I felt like a little bit beforehand I kind
37:37
of it's kind of like very interesting because kind of
growing up I was always
37:44
very emotional and I
37:50
know well so I was kind of like that emotional when I when
I when I like grew
37:57
up like I had a very close-nit relationship with my uh Mom
and Dad um
38:05
but I remember at one point when my mom and dad would work
separate
38:10
shifts um so they would go into work and I during the week
uh weekdays I'd
38:17
essentially see one of them only one of them um so
38:25
for I felt like that kind of um cuz sometimes they discuss
how
38:33
like I wouldn't like I don't know if I want to term it as
like trauma exactly
38:39
but it's something that kind of like upset me I remember
you know being upset about it I
38:45
remember being emotional about it like even like when one
of my parents used to leave I used to
38:50
like uh like pull out the driveway I would like tear up
like it would literally be that much there would be so
38:57
much emotion driven behind it so um I kind of felt like
39:04
that kind of like in a way triggered something but I don't
know
39:13
for for sure cuz I mean based off what I mean based off of
what I know I know
39:20
that sometimes there could be something like trauma that
could trigger it sometimes a lot sometimes it could just
39:26
be genetics know right do you have any your family that has
it that you know of
39:32
uh yeah so so my mom does experience um
39:39
some OCD but to very minor degree okay at least that's what
she has discussed
39:46
with me the very very minor very minor OCD I feel like my
39:51
paternal grandfather probably had OCD
39:57
yeah um it's but a different type than I had but it doesn't
matter um it's not
40:03
always trtic sometimes there's no reasoning for it there's
no our brains are wired
40:08
differently and I think depending on stress trauma times of
your life it can
40:15
just become full-blown mine became full-blown at the age of
32 but I still had it in ele
40:22
school but my behaviors were different in elementary school
than they were when
40:27
I was 32 you know it was totally different the way I dealt
with it yeah just the aspect the aspect of
40:37
how it can kind of shift from one form to another I mean I
like I've known like
40:44
you know and i' I've seen it happen with other people but
I've you know I just
40:51
like it's just very it's a very interesting concept and I'm
really into
40:57
psychology and stuff like that like I went to school like
studying psychology as an undergrad and so kind of OCD was
41:06
my um I felt it kind of like it was kind of
41:12
my like my drive to kind of you know like I want to help
people and I want to
41:22
um I definitely want to spread like awareness to
41:27
about OCD you know
41:34
right trying to think if there's anything else I haven't
asked you is there anything else that you want to
41:39
talk about um you are you in any are you in any
41:46
treatment now any medications or treatment so I uh I am in
treatment
41:55
right now um so so I just meet with a therapist um it's
kind of like every
42:02
like like bi-weekly and um I
42:09
do so I I do like discuss like a lot of the
42:15
stuff that's you know going on um sometimes I feel like it
could be
42:22
complicated because OCD kind of
42:27
I kind of have OCD but I also have depression so just kind
of that comorbid
42:34
you know in itself um Can complicate things because it's
42:40
always like you know what do you you know you need to
tackle one thing first
42:46
kind of but um and I do so I do um go to
42:53
therapy Bi weekly um I do I'm on I'm
42:58
actually on proac right now I got back onto it and I'm on a
small dose
43:05
currently um that was the drug helped me the most I think
yeah so um for me I felt
43:16
like kind of like a similar situation it helped me quite a
bit
43:22
um I mean I really like for my OCD I was maxing out at
around like 60 or 80
43:30
milligrams somewhere around that and I felt like it would
benefit me it just
43:35
benefited me a lot um I know everyone
43:41
um everyone is differently response to medication I've
actually done some like
43:49
Gene testing which I thought was interesting because this
was a while back but I was kind of able to see which
43:56
medication work best for me in terms of my genes
44:02
um yeah I think um it's called like a gene site or gen site
or something like
44:10
that so I think that could be of a value to anyone that's
you
44:17
know that's you know struggling with OCD and kind of trying
to tackle it with
44:22
both therapy and medication San um always tell my listeners
you know don't
44:28
go by what Matt and I are saying about medicine everyone
metabolism is different everyone reacts differently
44:35
you're you may have to try many many medications before you
find works for you we're just talking about our
44:41
experience with Prozac I've tried them all I always went
back to proac I think
44:47
it helped me have a more even U emotional state which in
that way
44:55
lessened my stress lessened my depression depression less
of my anxiety and that all and all all that W together
45:02
helped my OCD but I've been on I've been on so many
different things and I'm currently medfree right now been medfree
45:08
for about six years but I know there's going to be a time
in my life um when I'm going to need to go back on it and
45:14
my first choice is going to be what I was most successful
at and that's Prozac but then you know 10 years from now Pro
45:23
prac may not work for me so yeah then I have to start off
over I can tell you
45:28
what doesn't work for me like U Boost bar I got double
vision with that stuff
45:33
and um I was playing softball at the time and I would see
two softballs coming at my face and I mean I had to
45:41
get off that stuff right away um other people love it you
know yeah so it's it's very like it's
45:49
very dependent like uh what works for one person might not
work for another
45:54
person so it's very important to it's very important to
have like a good communication with your psychiatrist and
46:03
just being just being totally transparent
46:08
even as hard it's very challenging but just being totally
transparent and
46:14
saying like I don't think this is working and just you know
and and just
46:21
being like totally honest cuz like like we view
psychiatrists as always having
46:26
you know like obviously they have the training but they
rely on us to kind
46:33
of guide them kind of like so it's like is it working is it
not working you know
46:38
what do you think could improve um so it's very
46:43
uh just having a psychiatrist that has some kind of like
track history with OCD
46:50
therapist too it's very important having a therapist that
you know they can't
46:56
unless you're honest with them yes there's no way they can
help you you're you're you're wasting
47:01
their time and yours and your money exactly I completely
agree with you on that one I wanted to change the subject
47:08
for a minute because you have what seems like contamination
OCD for the most part how did you respond to
47:16
co so with uh I want to say with Co
47:22
though it wasn't actually surprisingly for me it wasn't
actually too
47:29
uh too bad okay I know that doesn't make sense but
47:35
I yeah yeah I did I did interview uh another gentleman
named AIS um and he
47:42
said the same thing he said that his OCD is more for you
know things that don't
47:48
make sense so he would be worried that he would get AIDS or
he would get Hepatitis or he would but something that
47:55
was real yes but or heart he would he was worried he was
going to have a heart attack but something that was real that
48:01
was happening he didn't worry about as much it was the
things that were not
48:07
logical EXA that you nail you nailed the hammer on the head
with that one because
48:13
uh just for a while the that's like a perfect description
of me because
48:20
um just like with the previous guest you know for a long
time I had a fear
48:27
of fear of HIV fear of AIDS and you know it really just
started when I was
48:34
you know I had a young like I had a job as a lifeguard you
know and I would have
48:40
to perform like sometimes like first aid and stuff like
that like very minor Cuts stuff like that but that like that
48:49
triggered uh a lot in me and I was super careful I would
like you know I was
48:55
super careful I would watch my hands I would you know wash
my hands a bunch of times um do all the precautions
49:03
necessary to keep myself safe you know the thoughts you
know unfortunately they're
49:09
not they're not I mean they're not rational they're not
rational at the end
49:15
at the end of the day um and that was you know well I think
you'd
49:23
really relate to him so if you have a chance go back and
listen his interview was in two episodes and he has you and
49:30
he have a lot in common as far as your symptoms and and uh
things like that I think you would really relate to
49:37
him is there anything else we haven't talked about that you
want to bring up
49:44
um I mean like I felt like we talked about a
49:49
lot of great stuff we did like we got like we we got a lot
of great great stuff that we talked about uh
49:58
um and you're always welcome to come back anytime if you
think of a topic that you really think needs to be
50:05
discussed you can just contact me I've had a couple of
guests who have come back on a second time and said you know
50:10
I really want to talk about this or I want to you know and
you're always welcome to come back anytime and I
50:17
usually ask you at the end if you have any words of wisdom
that you can give to
50:22
our listeners to give them some hope
50:28
um so in terms of words of wisdom so I mean my biggest like
Words of
50:35
Wisdom I mean I felt like I touched based on it a little
bit earlier but um
50:42
like if you're listening and you have you know been
diagnosed with OCD or you see a lot of the signs I mean it's
50:49
important to get the diagnosis part but Erp you know um if
you not given an
50:56
Erp a try it's it's something that you should definitely
consider and even if you gone through a therapy and you fell
51:04
out like it was just too difficult I feel like it's
definitely
51:09
important to consider it again and I but I think it's
important to go into
51:16
therapy like you don't have to go in guns blazing like you
don't like you don't
51:21
have to go on gun guns blazing and like tackle every
51:27
huge fear that you have at once like you want to feel
obviously discomfort like when you're doing when you're working U
51:35
through the therapy but at you know if you try to tackle
51:41
everything out once and it's just it's going to come it's
going to be very
51:47
difficult it's going to go by really difficult for you and
um I feel like
51:53
there has to be some kind of balance balance with that like
you don't want to
51:59
get so discouraged that you end up just giving up
52:04
completely on therapy but you also want to challenge
yourself you really do want to CH
52:11
challenge yourself um I mean that's that's the point of you
know a good therapist will help you do
52:19
that oh yeah yeah a good a good therapist will definitely
outline you know and go through that with you for
52:26
sure and if you don't and I've said this before and I know
my listeners probably get tired of hearing it but if you get
52:33
into therapy and you don't feel like it's helping you it's
not a problem to just change go somewhere else it it's
52:40
not you don't have to be embarrassed about that because I
stayed in therapy for 11 years with someone who wasn't
52:45
helping me at all she was a super nice person and she sat
there and agreed with me for everything I did said and did but
52:51
there was it was not helping me at all she didn't challenge
me it was too easy other words and by the time I realized
52:59
she wasn't helping me it had been 11 years of my life I had
given her
53:06
um you know yeah yes uh so I 100 100%
53:12
agree with agree with that because I feel like there's been
times where I've
53:18
gone through therapy and I've felt kind of that like kind
of like that low and the
53:25
action where it's like like I really you know I think me
and the therapist had like a very good Bond
53:33
and they were they were awesome very super supportive and
um just things were going you
53:41
know pretty good but there's a part of me it's like well I
don't feel I don't feel challenged and part of
53:49
part of it's also like kind of landed on me cuz like but
53:54
like a part of it's like maybe just just a dynamic's not
working
54:01
and it's okay to seek out other therapists it's you know
because
54:07
at the end of the day it's you know it's your it's your
life and you know honestly you
54:14
can't feel so like entitled like oh I may hurt their
feelings you know I mean
54:20
you know it's like they want to see you get better too I
mean they've been working with you like you know um um so
54:27
at the end of the day it's just you have to do it's in your
best interest you
54:32
know to regain your sense of control that's right and
that's part of
54:39
selflove so yes yes well I appreciate you joining me today
Matt it's been a a
54:45
pleasure meeting you and listening to your story and um
like I said you're
54:50
welcome to come back anytime yeah I think I thank you so
much for having me on this podcast uh uh I
54:57
really do appreciate uh everything that you're doing and
you know just spreading
55:02
the knowledge and I love to come back one day and you know
kind of share my progress okay all righty thank you I
55:11
hope you enjoyed today's conversation with Matthew Zipcar
and that it helped you feel less alone today's episode will
55:18
be the last episode of the season I hope to be back with
you soon for season 2 if
55:23
you feel led to tell your OCD story please reach out to me
at my social media links below remember that OCD
55:31
while it cannot be cured can be managed and I am living
proof of that until next
55:37
time have a great summer
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